Perfectly Imperfect

It was a beautiful start to a perfect day in paradise. There was the sunrise that dispersed off the darkness like so much nonsense. Just a shrug from the horizon, and the lazy opening of a new morning filled the sight with hope. The absurdity of those dark stale thoughts scampered off to hide in crevices. They just melted away, slithering off quietly, as if embarrassed by the mocking laughter of those fresh sunrays.

I felt energized with my morality reawakened. Had I dreamt those thoughts last night? Had I actually considered what I had considered? Absurd! Pure unadulterated nonsense! I laughed at my own foolishness. My laughter loosened that knot that had formed in the pit of my stomach. I laughed some more.

Hysteria overtook me. I was laughing like a maniac in the face of that perfect day in paradise. Hoping that the knot unknotted itself and then I could wound my thoughts round and round the stick. I wanted to thread the kite of my ideas with the unknotted string of my thoughts. I wanted to see it soar in the perfect sky on that perfect day in paradise.

If only I could. But I couldn’t. I was just another imperfect human unfortunately born in the perfect little paradise. My knotted thoughts were killing me. All tangled up hopelessly within me. Tears of helplessness flowed from my eyes. The tangles got all wet and scrunched up tighter. They became impossible to take apart. The more I picked at them, the worse they got. Tangled webs of lies and deceit that spun out of control as I ran round and round collecting little shiny things that I wanted. And I always wanted more. Insatiable from that deep hunger that roared within me.

I always wanted more.

I had laughed at the naiveté of my world at one time. That time, when the perfection was there to be blemished. That time, when the flaws were like diamonds – to be picked out of the coal mine of the great common good and polished with care to be worn with pride as a badge of honor. That time, when it was honorable to be the one who marched to my own tune. That time, when all I needed was courage as my companion.

When did courage desert me? When had I become just another blackened piece of coal good only for burning? I was just another piece of coal in the coalmine of that great common good. What is so great and good about something so commonly known to bring nothing but mediocrity and boredom to all?

Identical blackened faces and their carbon bodies emerging after a hard day of toil against the depths of their own desires. Willingly jumping into the furnace of life to bring more heat to an overheated world. Was this my destiny? I refuse. I reject. I rebel. Why was there still that niggling infection within me willing me to conform? That deep aching festering infected gash on the body of my convictions. Who had infected me?

I knew with certainty. The infection began on that very day when I first fell in love with life, conveniently forgetting that it is all leading to death. I chased life and forgot to live. Those little compromises for the ones I loved. Those little accommodations because they loved me so much. Just a small thing here and another little thing there. They chained me with love to the pillar of duties. Until that proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

It was nothing. That straw. It really was just a piece of straw. But that one little straw brought home the realization that I had become yet another beast of burden. I was walking around blindly collecting and delivering burdens of guilt. It was all so pointless. And once the realization came, nothing else really mattered. My doubts crystallized and I could just break through them with one solid punch of indifference. Shards of my life fell around me. Yes, they wounded me deeply. But they did something, I was unable to do for myself.

They cut through my knots.

I stood up majestically, shrugging off the tattered webs of illusion. I broke through those chains of love. What are lies and what is deceit anyway? Seriously, what the hell is love? I laughed once more at the naiveté of the world. Once again, I found my diamonds. My courage rallied back to me.

I no longer march to my own tune. I skip, jump and dance with abandon and boundless energy to the song in my soul.

Yes. I freely admit. I am an imperfect being in your perfect little world. Deal with it. Watch me shrug from the horizon of your world. Watch me disperse with the light of my sunrays the darkness of your forced conformities. See me string my thoughts to the kite of my ideas and send them soaring high up in that wide open sky of possibilities.

Watch me come alive in all my imperfections on this beautiful new perfect day in paradise.